My Favorite April Fool's Stories

I've never gotten into April Fool's pranks, unless I had a moment where an opportunity presented itself and I just couldn't resist. I suppose that makes me the perfect victim for people who plan ahead for the day. I'm naturally gullible and trusting and I wouldn't change that.

I've followed more political blogs and commentary lately than ever before. (We thought it would end with the election, didn't we?)

So, I was just asking to be somebody's fool.



DELANCEY PLACE
My morning started with my favorite daily email from Delancey Place. By the second paragraph, I was hooked with new disclosures into Lincoln's composition of the Gettysburg Address. After all the training I've had in writing scripts for digital stories, here was the best example I could imagine to illustrate the reasons why a one page, double spaced script can tell any story. And, because we had a family legacy of correspondence with Lincoln's contemporaries, the idea that the truth was coming to light because a cache of letters had been discovered made it too good to be true. Keywords - "too good to be true".

"In today's excerpt--the authorship of the Gettysburg Address. It has long been known that Abraham Lincoln regularly solicited input into the drafts of his speeches. This led to such results as the change in the ending of the First Inaugural Address to a more conciliatory tone--and the suggestion by Secretary of State William Seward to include an allusion to angels, which was then transformed by Lincoln into "the better angels of our nature." However, recently discovered correspondence suggests that the assistance Lincoln received in speechwriting was perhaps more systematic and pervasive

"One of the more cherished Lincoln myths tells how he drafted his Gettysburg Address during the journey to the dedication, and delivered the speech from hand-written notes recopied on hotel stationery. Nothing could be further removed from what actually transpired. Lincoln was a careful writer, who regularly involved those around him-including cabinet members--in reviewing his drafts weeks or even months in advance of the actual event. In the case of the Gettysburg speech, Lincoln was fully aware of the symbolic opportunity of the occasion and the need for rhetoric to help shore up the always crumbling resolve of the North. ...

"A recently discovered cache of correspondence from the estate of J.W. Fell (1822-1881), a state legislator from Annapolis, Maryland, reveals 73 letters between the Lincoln and Fell, almost all of which involved detailed suggestions and revisions regarding his speeches, including the Gettysburg and Second Inaugural Addresses. The only previously known correspondence between the two involved three letters relating almost entirely to the politics surrounding Maryland's decision to remain in the Union. ...

"Fell's strongest admonition regarding the Gettysburg draft was that Lincoln strike a more modest overall tone, advocating that he change the language in an early draft from 'The world will long remember ...' to 'The world will little note nor long remember what we say here ... ,' arguing to Lincoln that 'modesty assumed in this speech will ensure its immortality.' Fell unsuccessfully suggested that Lincoln strike the language 'It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do so,' intimating that the sentence was 'superfluous.' ...

"There is at least some indication that the first draft of the Gettysburg speech came from Fell. In a letter to Fell dated July 17, 1863, Lincoln writes, 'It would please me greatly if you would again supply some initial thoughts regarding a speech I am planning for this fall. I shall discuss this with you further upon your arrival next month,' though this could have referred to any number of speeches delivered during this period."

Bernard N. Douglas and Paolo S. Frils, Lincoln's Prose Reconsidered, Simon & Schuster, Copyright 2009 by Bernard N. Douglas and Paolo S. Frils, pp. 27-29.

APRIL FOOLS! And a heartfelt thanks for your continued interest in Delanceyplace.


JIM WALLIS: RUSH LIMBAUGH TO SPEAK AT SOJOURNER'S MOBILIZATION TO END POVERY from BREAKING NEWS AND OPINION ON THE HUFFINGTON POST
The second story had to do with Rush Limbaugh's sudden crisis of conscience. I bit - I am trusting enough to think it's possible for anyone to change. And, after all, just think of the attention it would get him.

In an inspiring display of bipartisan bridge-building, talk radio personality Rush Limbaugh has accepted Jim Wallis' invitation to deliver a keynote address at Sojourners' Mobilization to End Povertyconference in April.

"I've always said the monologue of the extreme right is over, and a new dialogue has begun," said Wallis. "Well, that dialogue is about to get a whole lot louder."

Limbaugh, longtime champion of conservative media, announced his acceptance of the invitation on his daily radio show. Interrupted occasionally by call-ins of incredulous listeners, Limbaugh detailed months of off-the-record conversations with Wallis during which the two forged a deep friendship despite political, theological, philosophical, ideological, ecological, anthropological, eschatological, and soteriological differences. That dialogue came to a head one night when an anguished and sleepless Limbaugh called Wallis after 3:00 am, seeking spiritual solace.

"I responded like any good evangelical would," said Wallis. "I told him he should read his Bible. And then I hung up and went back to sleep."

Vexed but desperate, Limbaugh grabbed his trusty KJV, fanned it open at random, closed his eyes, and thrust his index finger upon whatever page it might find, landing upon this passage from James 5

"Go to now, ye rich men, weep and howl for your miseries that shall come upon you. Your riches are corrupted, and your garments are motheaten. Your gold and silver is cankered; and the rust of them shall be a witness against you, and shall eat your flesh as it were fire. Ye have heaped treasure together for the last days. Behold, the hire of the labourers who have reaped down your fields, which is of you kept back by fraud, crieth: and the cries of them which have reaped are entered into the ears of the Lord of sabaoth. Ye have lived in pleasure on the earth, and been wanton; ye have nourished your hearts, as in a day of slaughter."

I admit, of all the verses for him to read, this passage sounds a bit harsh--especially in the King James," said Wallis. "But with 2000 verses on poverty in the Bible, Rush was bound to hit one of them."

Limbaugh's response to the Word was swift and dramatic:

"Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount

As part of Limbaugh's dramatic change of heart, he has reciprocated Wallis' speaking invitation by naming him the new co-host for his daily radio show, giving it a more faith-based focus

"The way Kathy Lee needed Regis, that's the way yall need Jesus," said Limbaugh. "That's what Jim will bring to the show on a daily basis--that good ole' Red Letter Christian gospel!"

Limbaugh further detailed his plans to team up with Sojourners and others to fight domestic and global poverty, issuing this challenge to all Dittoheads in a recent broadcast: "I want everyone within the sound of my voice to call upon their members of congress to cut the number of Americans living in poverty in half in the next ten years, and to support America's commitment to the Millenium Devleopment Goals. ... And always remember to recycle. ... Oh, and one last thing: fur is murder."


With Mobilization attendees and legions of conservative talk radio fans both reeling from this dramatic turn of events, many are asking what other surprises are in store for the Sojourners conference

Anonymous sources have confirmed that TV talk show host Stephen T. Colbert
will be delivering the a prayer of invocation to kick off the event. Also, Bono has cancelled the free U2 concert for emerging leaders due to lack of interest. Instead, band members The Edge, Larry Mullins Jr. and Adam Clayton will accompany Jim Wallis in leading the young people in a sing-a-long of church camp fireside favorites.

OK, as you may have already guessed--April Fools! But seriously folks, come to Washington, D.C., this April for the Mobilization to End Poverty!

And, finally, JIM LICHTMAN FROM THE HUFFINGTON POST,
LIARS, CHEATS MAY SUFFER ETHICS DISORDER
I suspect I have a few disorders myself, but, thankfully, not of the ethics variety.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a stunning announcement on the steps of the Capitol today, scientists from four leading research centers believe they have found a direct link between the ethics scandals of the last five years - perhaps five decades - and a chemical imbalance in the brain.

The new disease, which scientists are calling "Involuntary Ethics Disorder," affects that portion of the brain where moral cognitive function takes place.

Dr. U.R. Stuck, senior marketing chief at the Public Parody Center for the Advancement of Newly Discovered Dysfunctional Diseases said, "Much like Tourette's syndrome, 'I.E.D.' concerns a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes hundreds, perhaps even thousands of individuals to lie, steal and cheat while completely convinced that they have done nothing wrong."

The study was based on a series of nationwide interviews and blood tests of more than 522 CEOs, politicians, athletes and others involved in one or more ethics-related transgressions. The research was funded by the group Special Ways of Finding Excuses, a nondenominational, political/corporate action committee based in the Cayman Islands.

The findings show the little-studied disorder is much more common than previously thought. "It seems to be particularly demonstrative in that segment of society involving money, power and professional sporting events," Dr. Stuck said. "We have documented an abnormally large percentage of IEDs in and around Washington, D.C., Wall Street and major league baseball events around the country."

Defense attorneys for convicted Enron honcho Jeff Skilling commented, "We never thought of this before. It's a whole new ball game for us in the appeal process."

In a similar statement, former Louisiana Representative William Jefferson said, "It makes perfect sense. And all this time, people thought I was only interested in the money."

Following the announcement by Mr. Skilling's lawyers, attorneys for WorldCom's Bernard Ebbers, Tyco's Dennis Kozlowski, and former Senator Larry Craig announced that they are all in the process of filing new appeals.

However, the news is not so good for others. Author and ethics specialist Jim Lichtman is reported to have lost a number of new and potential clients as a direct result of the study. "Everybody's cancelled on me! I had contracts with a whole host of Wall Street companies," Lichtman cried. "But rather than sign up for much-needed ethics training, now they're all waiting around for some magic pill they can take. I've had to return almost $1 million in deposits. It's disgusting!"

In a related story, a small fight broke out shortly after the announcement between the "road rage" people and the "ethics rage" scientists - each one claiming the acronym "I.E.D." A group of Marines, on leave from Iraq, joined the fracas claiming "I.E.D." should be exclusive to military usage regarding the deadly "Improvised Explosive Device." However, car manufacturer Toyota has weighed in saying those other terms infringe on their right to use "Integrated Electric Drive" for their Prius hybrid electric car.

The study has yet to determine the exact cause of the disorder. "It could be genetic," Dr. Stuck says, "but there's strong evidence to suggest that it is transmitted from person to person, much like the Bird Flu. If that's the case, we could be looking at a whole new pandemic."

Dr. Stuck advises anyone with a predisposition for prevarication, rationalization, creative accounting or an inflated batting average to avoid contact with individuals who are known liars and cheaters, at least until all the evidence has been closely examined.


Enjoy this day for all it teaches us about laughing at ourselves.